RELATIONSHIP ADVICE – SNOOKY
Hey! I’m Snooky the Cab Driver. Some say I’m the most famous (and most controversial) Taxi Cab Driver in America. I give advice on women, relationships, jobs and other things that cause problems in your life. I only have one rule: “Don’t ask the question, if you really don’t want to hear the answer.” Writing a letter to me is like going on The Jerry Springer Show—you know what you’re gonna get. If you don’t like my advice (which is FREE) or feel that you need a second opinion, then I strongly recommend that you PAY for some advice (which will sound a lot like what I already told you with just bigger words). It’s your money. In any event, you should always seek competent professional advice before acting upon the information contained herein. Click here to contact me.
Back By Popular Demand – Snooky Rates Women’s Stuff
(Warning Strong Adult Language)
This morning, after a great session of lovemaking, my boyfriend gets up and says: “Girl your stuff is top shelf.” He then smiled and kissed me on the cheek. I was happy and assumed that this was a good thing. What does “top shelf” mean?
Cassandra M., Waltham, MA
Ol’ Snooky is going to educate you. What I’m about to share probably should be in the “Sexuality & Stuff” section of the web site. That’s how sensitive this information is. I’m not breaking any confidences, but I’m probably straddling the line of what I should and should not share. There’s clearly an “unwritten” rule in the Players Handbook, but I’m going to allow you to sit in class today. Welcome to the Snooky Charm School for “players.” Open your books to Chapter 69 — “How To Evaluate P—y.” I don’t speak for all men. This is my rating criteria. That being said, there is a baseline “unwritten rule” about women’s “stuff.” The rule is as follows: There’s no such thing as bad pussy. It’s all good — some is just better than others.
If you understand and accept this hypothesis then you can understand my rating criteria. Unlike the Russian judges in Olympic figure skating, my rating system awards points for versatility and flexibility. This rating system is not scientific, however, the results are based on normative data from years of testing. For purposes of this segment, I will substitute the word “stuff” for the word “pussy.” There’s no need to gratuitously throw that word around.
The following information is not listed in priority order and is a partial listing of the Snooky “Stuff” Rating criteria:
Multipurpose “Stuff” – This is the fastest growing “stuff” right now. A woman who has multipurpose “stuff” has “stuff” so good that it appeals to almost any kind of man. It appeals to the brothers who like petite “stuff,” firm “stuff,” tight “stuff,” juicy “stuff” etc. Multipurpose stuff also provides easier access and better handling in a variety of positions.
Traditional “Stuff” – This is the kind of “stuff” that’s just there. There’s nothing particularly special about this “stuff” as it gets the job done when you need it.
Force Limiter “Stuff” – This is the kind of “stuff” that cannot take maximum force. If you want to round the bases and “slam it home,” then this is not the “stuff” for you.
Maytag “Stuff” – This stuff is so good that no one thinks they have a chance of getting it. Maytag “stuff” sits idle with no activity. The woman has to stir it up herself on occasion to keep it from going bad.
Olympic “Stuff” – The woman who has Olympic “stuff” is physically in the best shape of her life and could qualify for most Olympic competition. Her “stuff” doesn’t get a lot of activity. The word on the street is that Olympic “stuff” will kill you. Unless you are in the best shape of your life, or just want your balls busted, stay away from this one. If you can’t deliver, the woman with Olympic “stuff” is strong enough to flip you over and “tap dat ass.”
Upgradeable “Stuff” – This is good quality stuff that you know can be even better. Be careful! An upgrade usually means that the “stuff” is more convenient; you’re not getting any better quality.
Depreciable “Stuff” – This “stuff” is good now, but is likely to lose value in the future. Usually, the woman is crazy. Her head is not on straight and you have to go through so much drama to get it, that the “stuff” ain’t worth the effort.
Recommended “Stuff” – This “stuff” is consistently good. It performs well in almost every position. This “stuff” is so good that if you weren’t so close to it, you would recommend it to a friend.
Must Hit “Stuff” – This is the kind of stuff that you know you must “hit” regardless of the risk if ever given the opportunity.
High Impact “Stuff” – This kind of “stuff” can easily survive rollovers, headboards, lotions, oil and slippery conditions.
Compact “Stuff” – This “stuff” can only accommodate 6 inches or less. If you’re under 6 inches this is the equivalent of hitting it out the park. Also, see “Recommended Stuff.”
Subcompact “Stuff” – This “stuff” can only accommodate 4 inches or less. When the going gets good, the ride is likely to be noisy, choppy and hard to get in and out of. These are usually your gymnast types. Subcompact “Stuff” is also good for spinning and twirling.
Limousine “Stuff” – This “stuff” is very large and can accommodate up to 12 inches. The ride is smooth, supple and comfortable. This is your “Glide Ride.” If you hear any noise, it will be that good kind of noise (if you know what I mean).
Off Road “Stuff” – Off Road “Stuff” handles clumsily at times, but the stability and control that it provides for your member make this “stuff” well worth the ride. This stuff is usually associated with a heavy load.
Top Shelf “Stuff” (#1 Rated) – Just the mere site of this stuff will get you excited. Top Shelf “Stuff” is usually shaved, impeccably finished and smooth to the touch. Performance is always good in any position, even in rough terrain. Top Shelf “Stuff” can get you to accelerate quickly and level you off for a long and smooth ride. You will not find any signs of high mileage, sagging or excessive wear with Top Shelf “Stuff.” Top Shelf “Stuff” will satisfy you. If you have access to Top Shelf “Stuff” you better bring your hardhat, thermos, flashlight and lunch pail, because you will have to work. Any woman with Top Shelf “Stuff” knows she has it. She instinctively knows what to do, so you are guaranteed the best of the best.
I hope this has been helpful.
Its ya girl SRP back with another dilemma…
My boyfriend did not come home last night and I am pissed off! He left around 9:00 pm to say he was hanging out with the boys. I called him around 1:30am and he said he would be home shortly. I awoke at 4:30 and he had not returned. When I left for work this morning at 8:00 he was still not home. I called his phone 3 times and he did not answer. When I left this morning, I put the deadbolt on the door and left through the garage (he doesn’t have the key to the deadbolt). He will have to take his ass back to whoever kept him from coming home last. It’s now 9:15am and I still haven’t heard from him. On one hand I am worried that something happened to him, but something in me says this is not the case.
From a man’s point of view, how should I handle this situation? Should I blow up and curse his ass out, or stay silent and keep him locked out of the house? I just don’t know how to handle this situation. To be honest, I am fed up. I am working two jobs, trying to start my own business and still manage to come home, cook, clean and tend to his needs. It’s so disappointing that at 30 years of age, he does not possess the maturity or the dedication to participate in a positive, healthy relationship. In the end, I can’t blame him for being who he is. It is my choice what and who I accept into my life. I am here once again because I failed to pay attention to the signs.
Suddenly Single…….again (aka SRP)
I thought I was through getting e-mails from you (at least along these lines about this dude). Once again, I feel like you’re only writing to me for validation. You really do know what to do. Re-read the last sentence of your letter. “In the end, I can’t blame him for being who he is. It is my choice what and who I accept into my life. I am here once again because I failed to pay attention to the signs.”
Why can’t you leave this guy? We teach people how to treat us. What is the lesson that you teaching him when it comes to interacting with you? I know that it is rough out here for women. I get about a dozen letters a week from women complaining about their men. You also have a good idea of what he’ll say when he does decide to surface. He knows how to get in your good graces when he wants to. Let me say this one time and one time only. If you are serious about getting rid of this guy, then get rid of him. DO NOT TALK ABOUT GETTING RID OF HIM. GET RID OF HIM. That means, do not talk to him in person, by e-mail or phone. Put a call block on all of his numbers. DO NOT ACCEPT HIS CALLS! What is there to talk about? Haven’t you heard enough excuses from him? I know I have. Actions speak louder than words. Show him that you are serious by changing those locks and leaving his ass.
I am an educated African American male in his late 20’s. I am not married or currently in a relationship nor do i have any baby mamas. In the last 3 months, I have had explicit dreams involving me and another male. I’d say I’ve had about 4 of them. None of the with the same person and they have been very clear and vivid. I am straight and consider myself to be sexually conservative. I was not molested as a child nor have I experimented with the fag stuff. What do you think this means? Is this something that you think I need to explore or have I seen Broke Back Mountain one too many times?
Confused but OK,
I am not a psychologist or dream interpreter. Let’s see, you’ve had approximately four homosexual dreams over the past three months and you want to know what this means and if this is something you should “explore.” Let’s slow down and pump your brakes for a moment. You referenced the movie “Broke Back Mountain.” How many times have you seen the movie?
I have no idea why you’ve had these dreams and I have no idea why you’ve chosen to put such a focus in this area. You failed to share your reaction to these dreams. Did you like the dreams? How did the end? What happens in the dreams? You can choose to ignore the dreams or focus on the dreams. If you have no interest in this area, then forget it. However, if you have no interest in this area and can’t stop thinking about the dreams, then that’s another story.
Not sure I can help you with this one dude–not enough info.
One of our columnist recently wrote a column on this topic. You might find it interesting (www.blackmeninamerica.com/people2.htm#James). By the way, I’d would eliminate the “fag” references-not good. This is an offensive term.
It’s been a while since I’ve reached out to you for advice concerning love, but today I need your opinion.
While at my cousins birthday party over the weekend my boyfriend received a call. I notice how he didn’t want to answer the call and was about to send the call to voicemail when my cousin teasingly asked him who would be calling him at such a late hour (2:30 am). Unbeknown to my cousin, my boyfriend and I have been down this road before regarding “female callers”. He seen the look in my eye and with all eyes on him he had to answer the phone. I couldn’t make out what the person was saying but I could tell from the voice pitch that it was a woman. He told her he was over his girlfriend’s cousin house and he would have to get back with her. I asked who the caller was and he said she was a friend from work. He said she was with a group of people he was hanging at a sports bar with earlier that evening and she called to see if the group was still hanging out. I thought that was reasonable explanation until the phone rang again. He said it was the same person. He answered and proceeded to tell her the same thing. At this point I was passed pissed because I felt something was up. He thought me being mad was unjustified because there was nothing going on between him and the girl. My cousin stepped in and said “Okay she is just a friend and she was calling to check to see if you and the guys you work with were still hanging out. But when you told her you are with your girlfriend then that should have been the end of the call and she should not be calling you back”. “With her calling you back like that it does appear that something is up”. Needless to say, we went back and forth about this for hours and we ended up getting into a big argument.
He feels there is nothing wrong with him being friends with a woman or talking to a woman on the phone as long as he does not cross the line and sleep with her or take her out. True enough I do believe men and women can be friends, but I know the difference between a strictly platonic friend and the other kind of friend. I’ve made friends with males over the course of our relationship but he has met them and they do not call my phone at 2 or 3 in the morning.
I am so disappointed in him. I thought I had someone who I could finally trust. I thought I had resolved my trust issues with men. After the weekend, all those old wounds just opened up and it has me exhausted. How can I trust him again? He apologized to me but that doesn’t make the pain go away. I don’t want to worry that every time his phone ring and he doesn’t answer it’s some woman. I don’t want to feel anxiety every time he goes out with his friends. Snooky, I have resorted to checking his phone when he is sleep and I have never done that before to anyone. I just don’t know what to do. I was so happy with him until this point. He spends quality time with me, he funny, very attentive and a hard worker. We have our quarrels over things but we get passed them. I just don’t know how I am going to get pass this. Can you offer any advice to my situation?
This is a tough situation in that he spends quality time with you; he’s funny, yada, yada, yada. The big thing is you’ve caught him in a lie or two–big lies. It’s hard to buy his story. You don’t get phone calls from “friends” at 2:00 and 3:00 am. Those calls are usually from “f#@k buddies” or “friends with benefits.”
What’s more disturbing is your behavior. I feel like I kind of know you. Look at how low you’ve slipped. I say “slipped” because you can recover. You’re sneaking around checking his phone. What kind of life is that? Stressful, that’s what kind.
We teach people how to treat us. What are you teaching this guy? He may be a great guy, but he’s a great guy taking advantage of your trusting ways. It seems as if you wanted him to be so good that you have lowered your standards. It you’re your cousin “popping off” to get your attention.
It’s hard for me to say talk to him because he’s likely to deny and lie again. You know if he’s telling the truth. Just take a deep breath and listen to that inner voice of yours, NOT HIS. Judge that dude on his behavior and nothing else. His “Trust Bank Account” with you is currently OVERDRAWN!
Here is another one for you. Please, if possible let our black men know about this. Please inform them that they must take care of their feet. I have met men that rate 10-plus on a scale of 1-10. They appear to be the total physical package. I notice men’s feet, especially during the summer months. A lot of men don’t take care of their feet. I notice thick skin on the heels, fungus on the toenails and toenails that are dark and uncut. This is a turn off.
Men expect us to have well manicured toenails and feet, but they seem to forget that their feet is a part of their body as well. The last man that I dated had the feet of a alligator. His nails were long, dark and thick. He actually kept his socks on, with good reason, which is another turn off.
Also Snooky, please tell men to do a better job of washing their feet. You know a shower is good, but sometimes a long soak in the tub does not not hurt.
When you see a brother with messed up feet and toes, it kind of makes you wonder about his woman. I interact with businessmen, but many of those guys have messed up feet. I’ve never met a man with good feet.
Please let men know that taking care of your feet is important to women. For a man to be fine from the head to the ankles is not enough. All of the expensive clothing in the world can not make me overlook claws for feet.
Signed, Fed up with alligator feet brothers.
Dear Fed Up With Alligator Feet Brothers:
I don’t have to say a word. You just did. By the way, I agree with you. For the record, “the Snooky man” has great feet and toes. I’ve never had a pedicure or manicure. I guess I just got it like that. I do use a foot cream called Feet Treat. It is great. Thank you for putting men with crusty feet on blast and keeping it real.
For the past year I’ve been occasionally hanging out with this girl I met on the job. During the process of getting to know one another, she expressed how her level of trust for women has been broken by repeated toxic, backstabbing people she had developed friendships with. Me being a woman and also having a few negative experiences befriending someone, I could relate and understand her current state of mind. She expressed her desire of wanting to surround herself with more positive and proactive women with whom she could bond with. Seeing that this sistah was really in need of a group a women who could influence a change on her theory about black women and how we should relate to one another, I decided to introduce her to my small circle of friends. My friends are a beautifully eclectic mixing bowl of people from all walks of life. One thing that keeps all of us bonded together is that we continuously support and uplift each other. Now don’t get me wrong we have had our share of disagreements but we still stay positive towards each other.
Anyway, I decided to introduce her to my best cousin who is a very funny, outgoing person. Weekend parties and gatherings became common between the three of us. We exposed her to different cultures and activities she was never fortunate enough to experience with the friends she currently associated with. I knew from the beginning she was what some considered a little rough around the edges, ghetto, for lack of better words. I thought if she saw what the flip side of the coin was like it would aid her at becoming a better person. A few months after we started connecting I noticed she would constantly compare herself to other women and talk negative about her friends. About three months ago my cousin and I decided that including her in certain weekend activities was not in our best interest anymore due to her wanting to include the negative people she “claimed” to want distance from. I am open to hang out with people of all kinds but these ladies, uh, let me change that to “females” were…”How can I gently put this?” A HOT DAMN MESS!
These were grown women who were extra loud and immature. They’re idea of a good time is getting drunk and hitting the club to fight people. Needless to say, I was not trying to entertain this type of foolishness. She and I stayed in contact but our meetings became far and in between. One night over a few margaritas, my cousin expressed to me that she was concerned this person might not have good intentions and felt she was not all the way ready to leave her ghetto street ways behind. My cousin felt if I continued to associate with her, she would bring some “bullshit” (her words, not mine) my way. I trusted my cousin’s evaluation because at that time, I too was getting a not so cool vibe from her. To get to meat of this situation, I will jump to what happened over the weekend. I had not seen or heard from her in a while so when she pooped over my house Friday I was surprised. She invited me to go downtown with her the next night to hang out. At first, I thought “why not?” we were going to a nice party where there would be a nice class of people who I felt comfortable with.
We arrive downtown the next evening and too my horror here come the HAMS. I admit it was my fault for not asking upfront who would be attending with us. I just assumed it would be the two of us because she never mentioned anyone else. Snoooooooky!!! Please excuse my French but these heifers acted a fool. They were way past drunk, dressed like skeezers and to make matters worse, they were starting trouble with almost every female who crossed their path. I was horrified but as my cousin would say “That’s what your ass get.” The night was almost over so I thought if I mingled on my own I could pass the time and at the same time remove myself from the Niggrodian display that was going on.
When it was all over and my humiliation level was off the chart, I came face to face with who this person really is. I decided to have a woman to woman talk with her when we reached her house about her behavior and how I felt that she put me in danger. She did not have to respond to me because the look on her face said it all. My Momma once told me a drunken person speaks a sober mind and that night I believed every word my Momma said. This girl went on for 30 minutes about how she could tell I thought she was jealous and envious of me and my sister’s beauty and success. She came out of nowhere with a comment about how I have to be the center of attention whenever men were around. I could go on and on but in short, she basically said she couldn’t stand me and my circle of friends because we “acted like we are all dat.”
In a strange way my feelings were hurt. Not because there was truth to her claim but because after all the positive influence my friends and I tried to expose this sistah to she still managed to turned into yet another negative experience. My sister made sense of this situation by explaining to me that some people don’t want to be helped. She says when you deal with a person who has for years surrounded themselves with negative people, drama, jealousy, competition and anger it is difficult for that person to go into a positive situation and know how to act. With the advice of my real sistahs and my own judgment, I have decided to cut this person out of my life for good. My question to you: Should I tell her that this is the end of our friendship or should I just be done with it?
Signed, Friend or Foe
Dear Friend or Foe:
The way you told this story was Laugh Out Loud funny. To answer your question, I would NOT say a thing or waste any more time with this woman. Actions speak louder than words. Be done with it. Besides, if you try to explain anything to her, you’re only asking for more drama. She will twist your words and not appreciate your intent. If you choose to do otherwise, just remember the quote from your cousin: “That’s what your ass get.”
Earlier you used the terms “HAMS” to descibe the women. Help a brother out. What are HAMS? Are we talking big bone, corn fed sistahs with attitudes who will whip your ass on a whim?