“One of the biggest mistakes you can make in a relationship is selecting a mate that you think you know and hoping that they turn out to be the person of your dreams. Love, or what you think is love, may prevent you from asking the tough questions in a relationship. Sometimes the person that you need to direct the tough questions to is yourself.” Snooky Snook
I hope this letter finds you having a great day.
I’m usually the one giving the advice, but since it is my situation, I can’t see so clear into the reality of it all.
I need the heartfelt truth from the heart and mind of a man about men. I could stay on here for days with quite a few questions and would love to dive deep into answers. These relationship problems have been going on for some time and I haven’t talked to anyone yet.
I have been in love with this guy for 3 years. He even moved in with myself and my two older children.
That’s when the problems started.
1. He wasn’t much a fan of my parenting skills and made it quite clear that they didn’t respect me and I needed to handle things different…like make sure they did the dishes, and they can’t have a cup or plate left in their bedrooms and if they do… he would start to put them on their beds. My children didn’t care for him to much (their dad walked out on us so they weren’t big on another man with their mom. It would always become an argument (to him anyway). I feel he put to much time into their behavior rather then making the foundation of our relationship first. after 9 months, he moved out saying he couldn’t take it anymore. He moved back home to his mom’s house. Ages… he is 44 now and I am 48 (a young 48) lol
2. He says he hates to argue..and I know he came out a relationship that they argued a lot. When he hears something he doesn’t like…and gets frustrated… he says “I can’t do this…I’m done”. We won’t speak for a
1-3 days…and he calls me to say “I hate arguing and when I say that’s enough… just learn to quite it”.
3. We stuck it out though and he says he want’s a future with me. He recently over 2000 miles back to where he lived for 15 years. His older sons are there and some other family. He said he was going to get himself together, grow up, get a job (he wasn’t working before he left) and send for me when things got settled if I want to join him. He has called me everyday since being there (a few months) and for the last month, has asked me to come there and is really pressing me to come. He says things like “why aren’t you here” I want you here like yesterday”. “I miss you so much” “you’re the one I want to wake up with everyday for the rest of my life”…etc… But… I also found out he has been on dating sites OH ABOUT 10 OF THEM!!!!!!!! The same time he is telling me all this love talk, he is on on-line dating sites. I went on some of the sites and found him…so, I made myself up a little acct. and went on myself to see if he would talk to me and to see just what he would say. Well he did talk to me…he ended up telling this girl (me) how he had a bad relationship back home but what a great lady I am and would never say anything bad.
I let him know I knew everything. Then I just didn’t speak to him for 2 weeks. He called to say he was sorry and he knows im hurt…but he says the main problem was… that I’m not there. He wants me to come there so he can treat me the way I want to be treated.
4. I have a house in deep foreclosure…(he says I’m putting that ahead of him )
5. I have 2 children who depend on me still
6. I’m still dealing with in court with my ex over child support and arrears.
7. My dad lives by himself and starting to forget everything and is grieving the loss of his wife/my mom.
8. This is far away…I would be leaving everything behind and just jump on a plane
9 and to top it off…he says we are not together but If i decided to go we would be.
Hope this letter isn’t to hard to handle, If so I will understand…like one of my friends say…girl your in some pickle. Thanks for your time,
Holding It together in NY.
Dear Holding It Together in NY:
No letter yet has been too strong for me to answer. OK. Where do I start? How about from the beginning. I’ll try and use bullet points to highlight the key areas for you to consider. I’m gonna give it to you straight with no chaser.
· The difference in how you two parent will not go away. But that issue pales in comparison to the rest of this letter. I’m not quite sure why you let him move it, but that’s not the crux of this letter so I will move on.
· I gotta tell you, I was a little uneasy to read that he moved away to get himself together, grow up and get a job. You shouldn’t have to move away to get those things. In fact, he should have HAD those things BEFORE he move it. (I know, I said I was going to look forward and leave that moving in issue alone).
· Let’s get to the dating sites. As you say “ABOUT 10 OF THEM!” This is where you “pump your brakes,” come to a complete STOP and “Just Say No!” Brother man was BUSTED. Of course he’s going to apologize. It was not lost on me that he apologized but NEVER accepted responsibility for lying and being decietful. He put the blame on you by saying he did that because you weren’t there. Let me translate that for you: “If you are not here with me I cannot be honest and faithful.” You are dealing with a Man/Child.
· You list 9 reasons why it would be difficult for you to leave.
Here’s the bottom line. If you leave and go to him, you will have NO support system and will lose any independence that you have. You will be more dependent on him and that is not SMART for a mother of two children who need her. Moving to join him makes you very vulnerable and will surely lead to self-doubt and unhappiness.
Don’t do it! Let him grow up. He should be able to grow up without you being there. If he can’t leave his ass there. Do not lower your standards and relocate. Put your attention on making a better life for you and your kids and your father.
That’s how I see it.
Hope this helps.
Snooky you made a good point. I wish I would have read your advice to my earlier letter because I failed with the Marine today.
I took a day off. After my Marine friend got through playing golf this morning, he texted me. I told him I was home. He asked to come over. I said, “Yes.” I figured this would be a good time and a quiet time since my son was at school to END the relationship.
He came over, he hugged me and tried to give me a passionate kiss. But I pulled away. Here’s the dialogue.
Marine: “Baby what’s wrong?”
Me: “Oh wow, you have silver strings of hair in your beard. I didn’t notice that the last time we met.”
Marine: “Yes just like your silver strings in your hair. So who’s older than you?”
Me: “Well I am the oldest. We go to Starbucks and pick up two Lattes and come back to my place.”
Marine: He immediately gives me another hug, he picks me up, and my bedroom door is open. He takes me in there; lays me on the bed.
Me: I stop him. “I said, “We need to seriously talk.”
Marine: “I know. I know. You can have my undivided attention later. But right now, my body is about to explode.” He pulls up my dress, I have no panties on, he get’s up, and he goes to my bathroom, comes out with a big towel and place it underneath me. He raises my dress back up again, supports my thigh in an upward level, “Let’s see how this Latté taste with this kind of cream.” He pours the warm beverage on my pussy and starts licking the coffee off. He repeats it 3 or 4 more times.
In all of my life, I never had that done before, but that was exciting! It was a different sensational feeling. Next thing I knew, his manhood was thrusting inside my pussy with all of his might. He started dripping with sweat! Then that last thrust; he let out a LOUD moan; Then his body collapsed on top of my body.
Marine: “You make me so vulnerable.”
Me: “I like you also.”
Marine: “Ssh. Please don’t mess up my good nut.”
Me. “Fine!” I got up to cleaned myself, came back and cleaned him. Went back to the bathroom and got dress, when I came out he was already dress. I had to leave to go and pick up my son so he left also. But he promise we were going to really talk the next time. Which will be this coming Saturday.
Snooky, how do I break up with this guy?
Dear Nothing Permanent:
Young lady, if you cannot control your emotions then do not get in the same room with the young Marine. I’ve never met you, but you are obviously one hot babe and you must have a sensuality about you that make you irresistible to men. That being said, you can’t keep having sex with the guy and telling me that you don’t want to be with him. You enjoy the sex, you enjoy his company and he’s not hitting you up for money. It seems to me that this is a nice guy. I read what you said about the age difference. Make up your mind. Tell the guy that you are not looking for a long term relationship. Tell him that he is a “boy toy” for you. If he doesn’t like it, you will not see him again. It’s just that simple. And yes, send him an e-mail message and do not see him again or let him in your home if you really don’t want to see him. Every time he gets a chance to see you, he will want to have sex with you. He can’t help it, apparently you are sexual dynamo. I would love to see what you look like. Why don’t you send your boy Snooky some sexy pics so I can see what all the fuss is about surrounding you.