RELATIONSHIP ADVICE – SNOOKY
Hey! I’m Snooky the Cab Driver. Some say I’m the most famous (and most controversial) Taxi Cab Driver in America. I give advice on women, relationships, jobs and other things that cause problems in your life. I only have one rule: “Don’t ask the question, if you really don’t want to hear the answer.” Writing a letter to me is like going on The Jerry Springer Show—you know what you’re gonna get. If you don’t like my advice (which is FREE) or feel that you need a second opinion, then I strongly recommend that you PAY for some advice (which will sound a lot like what I already told you with just bigger words). It’s your money. In any event, you should always seek competent professional advice before acting upon the information contained herein.
If you want practical advice that you can use, send your questions to me via Snooky@blackmeninamerica.com.
For relationship advice from a female perspective visit the incomparable LaDawn Black’s column “Tell It To LaDawn.”
I am a 25 year old woman who was recently broken up with. Prior to this relationship I never thought I would be able to open myself back up again because my previous boyfriend was a verbally abusive alcoholic who shattered my self-esteem. During that abusive relationship I was sexually assaulted which added more fuel to the fire.
However, I sought out therapy to heal. I met my most recent ex bf Titus, who is 24, last summer. He is amazing, good natured, respectful, trustworthy and was so supportive of me, my dreams and was supportive of me when I opened up to him about my assault, which was a huge relief. It was hard to open myself back up but I did, it was the most healthy and supportive relationship I’ve experienced and its gone.
About a month ago he broke up with me because he told me he is at a time in his life where he cannot look outside of himself for anyone else. He says he hasn’t been feeling good about himself internally for awhile and started to withdraw and ignore me off and on for a few days before breaking it off, telling me that he wasn’t intentionally trying to ignore me but that he was feeling down. He says he cares about me greatly and likes me a lot and this has nothing to do with how he feels about me or it being about another woman but that he has real things to work on within himself. I am hurt and confused on why I am not good enough for him to work on his issues alongside me. I am paranoid that even though he said it has nothing to do with someone else that maybe he cheated and just didn’t tell me. He went on an abroad trip by himself for about 4 weeks in which we talked everyday but I am now driving myself insane thinking he was intimate with someone there, even though he told me that he was not and I’ve never had any fears about him cheating until now I guess because I am trying to piece everything together.
I am now questioning my self worth, I feel broken and used and that I wont ever be loved. I tried reaching out to him for closure and he ignored me, its as if I don’t exist and my anxiety is taking over.
How can I heal my broken heart? How can I stop driving myself crazy about obsessive thoughts of him cheating? How can I accept this breakup?
Lost and confused
Dear Lost and Confused:
Some of my advice will be difficult for you to put into practice because you have history and words are easier said and done. Men are tricky and complex, but from all indications, you’re going to have to take your guy at his word and STOP manufacturing things for which you have no evidence. I’m not saying that you should ignore your gut feelings or instincts. I am saying that you should not be worrying about things that you have no proof.
Just because he broke up with you now does not mean that the relationship is ended forever. However, you need to live in the moment and deal with things as they ARE and not how you WANT them to be.
If he says that he has not been feeling good about himself and his stepping away from you is what he feels is in HIS best interest and it’s probably in your best interest too. If he’s not on his A-game you will not be happy because he will not be in a position to be the best that he can be for you. Don’t force him to try and work you in. Anything along these lines is the equivalent of lowering your standards. If anything you need to RAISE your standards.
You’ve been through a lot. Healing is a long process. His stepping away from you, as painful as it feels, may actually be an act of LOVE. You want your partner to be at his best. Trying to get him to be with you when he can’t manage only forces him to sell you short and possibly tell you lies. You deserve better than that. Use this time alone to refocus your energy as part of the healing process.
Write down one or two goals for what you want in a relationship and read those goals every day. The energy on this earth will slowly drive you toward those goals and you will soon find yourself moving in a positive direction. Be patient and allow this man his space and honor his wishes. I will assume that he is being honest with you.
Don’t wish for or follow trouble. Let him go. If he can get his act together he may find that life without is not working for him and he will find a way back in your life. Until then, look forward and work on YOU!
I know it hurts, but accept what he tells you and move on.
Hi my name is XXXXXX and I need advice.
I met a military guy who had been married for 10 years and divorced for 2 years with no kids on POF In November of 2016 after 11 years of just raising my son and celibacy and being highly religious. We talked for about a month and then decided to meet in person. We met and I did the stupid thing of sleeping with him the same night. I felt ok afterwards and we proceeded to pursue a relationship but he broke up with me a week later saying he felt I wasn’t invested. We continued to talk and have sex becoming Friends with Benefits (FWB). We were on and off for months after I would say I wanted more than Friends with Benefits (FWB) situation. Fast forward to March I move in with him with my son. because we literally spent every weekend together since we met and wanted to make things work. He expressed wanting to get married but he felt I was hiding something from him and he couldn’t accept the fact I have a child. We got in a bad argument in May 2017 in which he was saying I lied about my financial situation and I moved out just to find out 2 weeks later I’m pregnant! I tell him and he wants me to get a abortion. I tell him I’m not going to do that so we continue talking and We eventually move back in with him in September 2017. We get along and click but he just starts treating me bad. We stop having sex, he wouldn’t even kiss me and he being verbally abusive, not buying food and being controlling so I move out 4 days before my birthday in November and break up with him. We talk on the phone everyday and he took me out on my birthday. We talk about counseling as I would like a traditional family to raise my baby. We are now moving into December the counseling starts in January and my baby is due in February. I know he is seeing other women as I felt he has been doing since I have been pregnant or maybe sooner. He doesn’t talk about marriage anymore, he always says he misses me and when I see him for prenatal appointments he always says he misses me but he kisses my forehead and my hand never my lips and stop saying he loves me. I’m confused as to what to do. Can I trust he really wants to make things work? Why would he say he wants counseling but we are still broken up? He started talking and dating openly less than a week after I broke up with him and refuses to sign the birth certificate until a paternity test and won’t give me his social security number saying in essence he doesn’t trust me. Huh? as if I was sleeping with someone else when I got pregnant while I was living with him and only been with him since my celibacy. Please help me discern his intentions! Is he leading me on? Should I go no contact and just raise my baby on my own? Will he actually ever marry me? He is leaving for Korea in May 2017 and I want to get married before he leaves. Will he bail on me? Please help
Oh my, where do I start? I’m not going to beat you up about things that you already know were bad choices like sleeping with him way too soon.
Let me start from the end of your letter and move forward. Men show you who they are. He has been trying to show you that you are NOT the priority. He cares for you but clearly not at the same level that you want him to care for you. Accept him for what he is right now—a mess. You can’t control this mess. You need to be focused for your son and this baby.
Try to minimize the drama and plan on raising this baby alone. I don’t know if he will be there emotionally or his capacity to provide financial support. He probably has another woman in his life and this situation with has only complicated things for him. He clearly does not know how to manage his life. He sounds like he knows that he cannot just abandon you and he appears to be trying to figure a way out of this that would give him the balance that HE needs. He is thinking more about his situation right now. You need to do the same thing and focus your attention on you.
If he wants to work with you, great. Take what you can get. It will be a lot easier for you and the baby in the long-run. There’s very little to gain pressuring him to be with you when his heart is clearly not in it at least at this time. I would not force the marriage issue. That is something you want and that may not be in your best interest over time.
Hope this helps.
Back By Popular Demand – Snooky Rates Women’s Stuff
(Warning Strong Adult Language)
This morning, after a great session of lovemaking, my boyfriend gets up and says: “Girl your stuff is top shelf.” He then smiled and kissed me on the cheek. I was happy and assumed that this was a good thing. What does “top shelf” mean?
Cassandra M., Waltham, MA
Ol’ Snooky is going to educate you. What I’m about to share probably should be in the “Sexuality & Stuff” section of the web site. That’s how sensitive this information is. I’m not breaking any confidences, but I’m probably straddling the line of what I should and should not share. There’s clearly an “unwritten” rule in the Players Handbook, but I’m going to allow you to sit in class today. Welcome to the Snooky Charm School for “players.” Open your books to Chapter 69 — “How To Evaluate P—y.” I don’t speak for all men. This is my rating criteria. That being said, there is a baseline “unwritten rule” about women’s “stuff.” The rule is as follows: There’s no such thing as bad pussy. It’s all good — some is just better than others.
If you understand and accept this hypothesis then you can understand my rating criteria. Unlike the Russian judges in Olympic figure skating, my rating system awards points for versatility and flexibility. This rating system is not scientific, however, the results are based on normative data from years of testing. For purposes of this segment, I will substitute the word “stuff” for the word “pussy.” There’s no need to gratuitously throw that word around.
The following information is not listed in priority order and is a partial listing of the Snooky “Stuff” Rating criteria:
Multipurpose “Stuff” – This is the fastest growing “stuff” right now. A woman who has multipurpose “stuff” has “stuff” so good that it appeals to almost any kind of man. It appeals to the brothers who like petite “stuff,” firm “stuff,” tight “stuff,” juicy “stuff” etc. Multipurpose stuff also provides easier access and better handling in a variety of positions.
Traditional “Stuff” – This is the kind of “stuff” that’s just there. There’s nothing particularly special about this “stuff” as it gets the job done when you need it.
Force Limiter “Stuff” – This is the kind of “stuff” that cannot take maximum force. If you want to round the bases and “slam it home,” then this is not the “stuff” for you.
Maytag “Stuff” – This stuff is so good that no one thinks they have a chance of getting it. Maytag “stuff” sits idle with no activity. The woman has to stir it up herself on occasion to keep it from going bad.
Olympic “Stuff” – The woman who has Olympic “stuff” is physically in the best shape of her life and could qualify for most Olympic competition. Her “stuff” doesn’t get a lot of activity. The word on the street is that Olympic “stuff” will kill you. Unless you are in the best shape of your life, or just want your balls busted, stay away from this one. If you can’t deliver, the woman with Olympic “stuff” is strong enough to flip you over and “tap dat ass.”
Upgradeable “Stuff” – This is good quality stuff that you know can be even better. Be careful! An upgrade usually means that the “stuff” is more convenient; you’re not getting any better quality.
Depreciable “Stuff” – This “stuff” is good now, but is likely to lose value in the future. Usually, the woman is crazy. Her head is not on straight and you have to go through so much drama to get it, that the “stuff” ain’t worth the effort.
Recommended “Stuff” – This “stuff” is consistently good. It performs well in almost every position. This “stuff” is so good that if you weren’t so close to it, you would recommend it to a friend.
Must Hit “Stuff” – This is the kind of stuff that you know you must “hit” regardless of the risk if ever given the opportunity.
High Impact “Stuff” – This kind of “stuff” can easily survive rollovers, headboards, lotions, oil and slippery conditions.
Compact “Stuff” – This “stuff” can only accommodate 6 inches or less. If you’re under 6 inches this is the equivalent of hitting it out the park. Also, see “Recommended Stuff.”
Subcompact “Stuff” – This “stuff” can only accommodate 4 inches or less. When the going gets good, the ride is likely to be noisy, choppy and hard to get in and out of. These are usually your gymnast types. Subcompact “Stuff” is also good for spinning and twirling.
Limousine “Stuff” – This “stuff” is very large and can accommodate up to 12 inches. The ride is smooth, supple and comfortable. This is your “Glide Ride.” If you hear any noise, it will be that good kind of noise (if you know what I mean).
Off Road “Stuff” – Off Road “Stuff” handles clumsily at times, but the stability and control that it provides for your member make this “stuff” well worth the ride. This stuff is usually associated with a heavy load.
Top Shelf “Stuff” (#1 Rated) – Just the mere site of this stuff will get you excited. Top Shelf “Stuff” is usually shaved, impeccably finished and smooth to the touch. Performance is always good in any position, even in rough terrain. Top Shelf “Stuff” can get you to accelerate quickly and level you off for a long and smooth ride. You will not find any signs of high mileage, sagging or excessive wear with Top Shelf “Stuff.” Top Shelf “Stuff” will satisfy you. If you have access to Top Shelf “Stuff” you better bring your hardhat, thermos, flashlight and lunch pail, because you will have to work. Any woman with Top Shelf “Stuff” knows she has it. She instinctively knows what to do, so you are guaranteed the best of the best.
I hope this has been helpful.
“One of the biggest mistakes you can make in a relationship is selecting a mate that you think you know and hoping that they turn out to be the person of your dreams. Love, or what you think is love, may prevent you from asking the tough questions in a relationship. Sometimes the person that you need to direct the tough questions to is yourself.” Snooky Snook
I hope this letter finds you having a great day.
I’m usually the one giving the advice, but since it is my situation, I can’t see so clear into the reality of it all.
I need the heartfelt truth from the heart and mind of a man about men. I could stay on here for days with quite a few questions and would love to dive deep into answers. These relationship problems have been going on for some time and I haven’t talked to anyone yet.
I have been in love with this guy for 3 years. He even moved in with myself and my two older children.
That’s when the problems started.
1. He wasn’t much a fan of my parenting skills and made it quite clear that they didn’t respect me and I needed to handle things different…like make sure they did the dishes, and they can’t have a cup or plate left in their bedrooms and if they do… he would start to put them on their beds. My children didn’t care for him to much (their dad walked out on us so they weren’t big on another man with their mom. It would always become an argument (to him anyway). I feel he put to much time into their behavior rather then making the foundation of our relationship first. after 9 months, he moved out saying he couldn’t take it anymore. He moved back home to his mom’s house. Ages… he is 44 now and I am 48 (a young 48) lol
2. He says he hates to argue..and I know he came out a relationship that they argued a lot. When he hears something he doesn’t like…and gets frustrated… he says “I can’t do this…I’m done”. We won’t speak for a
1-3 days…and he calls me to say “I hate arguing and when I say that’s enough… just learn to quite it”.
3. We stuck it out though and he says he want’s a future with me. He recently over 2000 miles back to where he lived for 15 years. His older sons are there and some other family. He said he was going to get himself together, grow up, get a job (he wasn’t working before he left) and send for me when things got settled if I want to join him. He has called me everyday since being there (a few months) and for the last month, has asked me to come there and is really pressing me to come. He says things like “why aren’t you here” I want you here like yesterday”. “I miss you so much” “you’re the one I want to wake up with everyday for the rest of my life”…etc… But… I also found out he has been on dating sites OH ABOUT 10 OF THEM!!!!!!!! The same time he is telling me all this love talk, he is on on-line dating sites. I went on some of the sites and found him…so, I made myself up a little acct. and went on myself to see if he would talk to me and to see just what he would say. Well he did talk to me…he ended up telling this girl (me) how he had a bad relationship back home but what a great lady I am and would never say anything bad.
I let him know I knew everything. Then I just didn’t speak to him for 2 weeks. He called to say he was sorry and he knows im hurt…but he says the main problem was… that I’m not there. He wants me to come there so he can treat me the way I want to be treated.
4. I have a house in deep foreclosure…(he says I’m putting that ahead of him )
5. I have 2 children who depend on me still
6. I’m still dealing with in court with my ex over child support and arrears.
7. My dad lives by himself and starting to forget everything and is grieving the loss of his wife/my mom.
8. This is far away…I would be leaving everything behind and just jump on a plane
9 and to top it off…he says we are not together but If i decided to go we would be.
Hope this letter isn’t to hard to handle, If so I will understand…like one of my friends say…girl your in some pickle. Thanks for your time,
Holding It together in NY.
Dear Holding It Together in NY:
No letter yet has been too strong for me to answer. OK. Where do I start? How about from the beginning. I’ll try and use bullet points to highlight the key areas for you to consider. I’m gonna give it to you straight with no chaser.
· The difference in how you two parent will not go away. But that issue pales in comparison to the rest of this letter. I’m not quite sure why you let him move it, but that’s not the crux of this letter so I will move on.
· I gotta tell you, I was a little uneasy to read that he moved away to get himself together, grow up and get a job. You shouldn’t have to move away to get those things. In fact, he should have HAD those things BEFORE he move it. (I know, I said I was going to look forward and leave that moving in issue alone).
· Let’s get to the dating sites. As you say “ABOUT 10 OF THEM!” This is where you “pump your brakes,” come to a complete STOP and “Just Say No!” Brother man was BUSTED. Of course he’s going to apologize. It was not lost on me that he apologized but NEVER accepted responsibility for lying and being decietful. He put the blame on you by saying he did that because you weren’t there. Let me translate that for you: “If you are not here with me I cannot be honest and faithful.” You are dealing with a Man/Child.
· You list 9 reasons why it would be difficult for you to leave.
Here’s the bottom line. If you leave and go to him, you will have NO support system and will lose any independence that you have. You will be more dependent on him and that is not SMART for a mother of two children who need her. Moving to join him makes you very vulnerable and will surely lead to self-doubt and unhappiness.
Don’t do it! Let him grow up. He should be able to grow up without you being there. If he can’t leave his ass there. Do not lower your standards and relocate. Put your attention on making a better life for you and your kids and your father.
That’s how I see it.
Hope this helps.
Snooky you made a good point. I wish I would have read your advice to my earlier letter because I failed with the Marine today.
I took a day off. After my Marine friend got through playing golf this morning, he texted me. I told him I was home. He asked to come over. I said, “Yes.” I figured this would be a good time and a quiet time since my son was at school to END the relationship.
He came over, he hugged me and tried to give me a passionate kiss. But I pulled away. Here’s the dialogue.
Marine: “Baby what’s wrong?”
Me: “Oh wow, you have silver strings of hair in your beard. I didn’t notice that the last time we met.”
Marine: “Yes just like your silver strings in your hair. So who’s older than you?”
Me: “Well I am the oldest. We go to Starbucks and pick up two Lattes and come back to my place.”
Marine: He immediately gives me another hug, he picks me up, and my bedroom door is open. He takes me in there; lays me on the bed.
Me: I stop him. “I said, “We need to seriously talk.”
Marine: “I know. I know. You can have my undivided attention later. But right now, my body is about to explode.” He pulls up my dress, I have no panties on, he get’s up, and he goes to my bathroom, comes out with a big towel and place it underneath me. He raises my dress back up again, supports my thigh in an upward level, “Let’s see how this Latté taste with this kind of cream.” He pours the warm beverage on my pussy and starts licking the coffee off. He repeats it 3 or 4 more times.
In all of my life, I never had that done before, but that was exciting! It was a different sensational feeling. Next thing I knew, his manhood was thrusting inside my pussy with all of his might. He started dripping with sweat! Then that last thrust; he let out a LOUD moan; Then his body collapsed on top of my body.
Marine: “You make me so vulnerable.”
Me: “I like you also.”
Marine: “Ssh. Please don’t mess up my good nut.”
Me. “Fine!” I got up to cleaned myself, came back and cleaned him. Went back to the bathroom and got dress, when I came out he was already dress. I had to leave to go and pick up my son so he left also. But he promise we were going to really talk the next time. Which will be this coming Saturday.
Snooky, how do I break up with this guy?
Dear Nothing Permanent:
Young lady, if you cannot control your emotions then do not get in the same room with the young Marine. I’ve never met you, but you are obviously one hot babe and you must have a sensuality about you that make you irresistible to men. That being said, you can’t keep having sex with the guy and telling me that you don’t want to be with him. You enjoy the sex, you enjoy his company and he’s not hitting you up for money. It seems to me that this is a nice guy. I read what you said about the age difference. Make up your mind. Tell the guy that you are not looking for a long term relationship. Tell him that he is a “boy toy” for you. If he doesn’t like it, you will not see him again. It’s just that simple. And yes, send him an e-mail message and do not see him again or let him in your home if you really don’t want to see him. Every time he gets a chance to see you, he will want to have sex with you. He can’t help it, apparently you are sexual dynamo. I would love to see what you look like. Why don’t you send your boy Snooky some sexy pics so I can see what all the fuss is about surrounding you.
My husband and I have been married for a year and his ex-wife/BM (Baby Momma) has been making our life hell. It’s the usual BM antics; using the kids as pawns, being difficult with visitation time and all the BS that goes into “Parental Alienation” and “Mission Destroy Step-Momma.” I will not waste your time with the details as I am sure you have heard them all before. The relationship between my husband and his ex-wife has gotten so bad the courts had to intervene and arrange a visitation schedule for my husband. Now, anytime we arrange to pick up the kids, if I am involved with the outings, it’s NO. When it’s his parenting time, she wants no one else around but him…and her, of course. My husband explained to her that he is married and he refuses to exclude me every time he wants to spend time with his children. The fact the kids love me makes her more determined to X me out during parenting time.
My husband is an excellent father and this really weighs heavily on his heart because he loves his children so much. Over the weekend they had yet another heated argument because I was included in the plans he had with the kids. This morning he emailed BM to let her know how he felt about all of tension between them and how it affected their children and basically he wanted to call a truce. What bothered me was he told her that he would respect her wishes and not include me when they meet up for pick up/drop offs or when she brings them to the fun places we usually go with the children (she is not allowed at our house and vice versa). I’m truly upset about this because not only do I love spending time with them, but I feel he is allowing her to over step her boundaries. I would never allow my child’s father to dictate the participation my husband has with my child.
Am I valid in the way I feel? Would you ever exclude your wife when it came to spending time with your kids? I’m not expecting to be involved 100% every time because I believe they do need one on one time with him, but come on! Enough is enough. This woman feels she is owed the world and can control him because she gave birth to his children! I am so out done….what are your thoughts?
Dear Out Done:
This may be above my pay grade, but I must tell you, you’re feelings are spot on. Hubby is making a big mistake and is setting a precedent that he will live to regret. This is not good. You are his wife and you have value to add to the lives of those children. The wife and your husband need to make decisions that are in the best interest of those children. He may be a great father, but I feel, he made a huge mistake. Talk to him (if he’ll listen). Cutting you out of the picture, is taking something away from the kids, weakening his position as a man and feeding the interest of his dysfunctional and selfish baby’s mama.
I Got A Younger Man Who Won’t Leave Me Alone
I am a 42-year-old black woman with one hell of a sex drive. I know this because I have had this sex drive since I was 15 years old and it only improves with age. Me and my 34-year-old (southern boy) husband have been married for 9 years. He says that I wear him out and with my constant “demands” for sex (I only want it once a day and twice on Saturdays and Sundays). I will actually just settle for 4 days a week and once on Saturday and Sunday, but he can only handle 3 days a week once on weekends (he works 2 jobs). He knew this coming into the relationship but he expected my “drive” to weaken the older I get. The problem is, I may get older chronologically, but not physically or sexually. I look like I am 25 years old and have a damn good body. I am too much woman for him, he says. What should I do Snooky? I love my husband so much my heart aches. He still makes my knees weak and people are always amazed at the obvious sexual charge between us when we are in public. Also, he is damn good in bed (we are damn good in bed) orgasms guaranteed. But for me it is never enough. What can I do? My trigger finger stays busy. It’s so untrue that men want it more than women. Men set themselves up for this.
Happily Married But Sexually Deprived
Dear Happily Married But Sexually Deprived:
I think I love you. Wow! Seriously, I kind of know how your husband feels. I dated a woman once who was six years older than I was and had a sex drive similar to yours. However, in my case it didn’t cause any problems because I loved it. There was chemistry and whenever we were in a room everyone knew that there was something strong between us. I can see where this would be frustrating for you. I get the sense that you have tried talking this thing out and talking is no substitute for good sex. I would not advocate or suggest that you try and satisfy your needs outside of the marriage. Many people do this and things appear to work out, however, the odds say that this is not the way to go. Based on your description you love this man. That comes through loud and clear. I don’t want to get too personal, but I must ask a couple of more questions. Have you tried self-satisfaction to hold you over until your husband recovers? What about pleasure tools and devices? Perhaps your husband can get creative and let his tongue do the talking and carry some of the load. I get the sense that you are willing to experiment and try new things when it comes to sexual satisfaction. Most guys will read your letter and wish they had a woman who couldn’t get enough sex. I know one thing. If you were my woman, your letter would read as follows:
My man is wearing my ass out. He has a white-collar job, but when it comes to pleasing me, he brings his lunch pail and his thermos. His ass comes to work—and work he does. He drills me like a jackhammer and then flips me four ways from Sunday. I start to stutter when I think about that tongue of his. What’s a woman to do?”
Can Hardly Walk Or Wait
It sounds like you have a good man. Remember, your man is working two jobs. You need to be a little more thoughtful and considerate. You probably already know this. It’s your body and that strong sex drive that’s doing all of the talking. Hopefully, some advice will come your way. Good luck.
My boss is pressuring me for sex. She’s 47, fat and overweight with a cute face, not that that means anything. I’m 26 and in good shape. I don’t want to get with her. She grabbed my ass at the vending machine and complimented me on my jeans. She told me that if I stayed late at night and worked with her she could see to it that I have a bright future with the company. Snooky, I’m about the work. I don’t want to get busy with her, but I’m afraid that she’ll make life rough for me. Help!
This is a serious matter. You should not have to deal with this kind of pressure at work. Tell your boss that you think she’s hitting on you and you are uncomfortable with what you see as her pressuring you. If your company has a policy on harassment, read it and become familiar with your rights as an employee. You don’t have to make a federal case out of this situation. Your goal is to get the behavior to STOP!
I am a single, twenty-something woman who has been having a sexual relationship with a man that I’ve known for almost a year now. The sex is awesome and I really dig his personality, the only problem is that he only sees me when he wants sex. We talk over the phone often but we never go out on dates or just spend time together doing anything that isn’t sexual. I can’t blame him for viewing me this way because after all I did give it up on our first (and only) date and every since that
first date he only sees me for booty calls. I’m torn because I really want more from this relationship but I don’t know how to go about telling him.
I already know that once a man sees a woman as only good enough to see every once in a while for sex it’s difficult to get him to look at her any other way per the old saying “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife”. I have already refused the last couple of booty calls that I received from him hoping that would be the first step to letting him know that I want more than that. Snooky, how should I approach this man to let him know my true feelings? Do you think there’s any hope for a romantic, committed relationship or should I just move on? My body is telling me to stay but my heart is telling me that nothing will prosper from this and to leave him alone once and for all. What do you think?
Tasha, Brooklyn, NY
Tasha don’t listen to your body, listen to your mind. You are obviously well spoken and I get the sense that you are very fine. When you’ve been around as long as I have, you can pick out who is fine and who has “Grade A” stuff (if you know what I mean). There is no doubt in my mind young lady that you have the right stuff. Now let’s get to the matter at hand.
What were you thinking to give it up on the first date? If this guy
had any kind of potential as a mate, you ruined it by giving him that good
stuff of yours so soon. Now all you have is a “fuck buddy” and you’re “stuck like Chuck” in a one dimensional relationship.
Good for you for not giving in to these recent booty calls but I’m afraid its too late. There is very little reason for “boyfriend” uh er “fuck buddy” to change. It’s not impossible, but it’s highly unlikely that he will change. It’s a shame because you seem to be well rounded and have a lot on the ball.
Now let’s look at the other side of this coin. What would brother man say about this relationship? When you give it up the first night you have freak written all over you. I’m sure you served it up too.
Good pussy comes with a price. This is where we men get tripped up. We can’t seem to get away from good stuff. One of my fellow taxi buddies (White Boy Steve) has a saying that rings true. He’s always saying: “Snooky, I don’t want no pussy that good.”
You need to sit brother man down and tell him that you want a real relationship. Define for him what that means. In fact you may want to highlight what a real date consists of (don’t assume anything). Be real clear about what your needs are or they won’t get met.
Understand this young lady: You’re not the only woman giving it up on the first date–and that’s the problem. Relationships function like the economy, in that they rely on supply side economics. If you cut him off, he’ll find another supplier. Your stuff may be good and you may know how to serve it up, but to a man there’s no such thing as bad pussy. It’s all good! Some is just better than others. There’s plenty more where that came from. Your only hope is to have some good stuff, serve it up often and not be crazy.
What have we learned today boys and girls? Answer: Most of the freaks out here are crazy. If you’re not crazy, you have a slim chance. How slim you ask? The same odds of me surviving walking in a lion’s den with greasy pork chop underwear.
I hate to be so graphic, but I really love my sisters. I want you to hear the real deal so you can make the necessary adjustments. Follow your heart and be prepared to move on without him. You won’t be sorry. You’re short changing yourself when you feel that you have to give it up on the first date. You’re better than that. Let me know how things turn out.
I have a 51-year old – new, Asian wife (very sexy for her age). Here’s my dilemma. I have never made love to a woman that gets as wet as she does. When I am inside her, I can clearly hear her moisture going “Squish, Squish.”
I mean its really, really wet down there. I have previously made love to women that get moist on a normal level, but I have never seen anything like this.
Anyway, it turns me on to love my wife and I want to ask her, why she gets so wet down there, but I don’t want her to become shy and get tense during our love-making. I’m wondering is this normal or what!!! Can you answer that?
I am 38 year old, but when I was a younger man and I released my sperm during an orgasm, it would be so powerful, I could darn-near shoot it across the room, almost like urine. Then all of a sudden, it stopped!!! Just like that, there’s just gushing with no power. I can’t explain what happened since that day. Can you?
Thanks much, holla……….”E”
TMI! TMI! (Too Much Information). Whoa! Look here. Some women are like spare ribs. You got your wet ribs and your dry ribs. One rib is not any better than the other–they’re just different. With your dry rib, you have to put your own sauce on it to make it moist. The wet ribs are so moist and tender that you end up wearing a bib because they’re so juicy. Same thing in your case. There’s nothing wrong brother! Congratulations! You’re married to a rack of wet ribs. Get your rain slicker, your duck shoes and just continue to “aqua boogie.” Whatever you do, don’t slip and fall with all that fluid over there. As far as asking her why she gets wet. Why? Leave it alone. You’ve got a rack of slow cooked and aged (51-year old) wet ribs! Be happy.
Now regarding your second question about your “Super Soaker” gushing orgasms, I wouldn’t worry about it. Be glad that you can get it up, get it going and get it right! This ain’t target practice. I can’t explain it. Just handle your business.
Its ya girl SRP back with another dilemma…
My boyfriend did not come home last night and I am pissed off! He left around 9:00 pm to say he was hanging out with the boys. I called him around 1:30am and he said he would be home shortly. I awoke at 4:30 and he had not returned. When I left for work this morning at 8:00 he was still not home. I called his phone 3 times and he did not answer. When I left this morning, I put the deadbolt on the door and left through the garage (he doesn’t have the key to the deadbolt). He will have to take his ass back to whoever kept him from coming home last. It’s now 9:15am and I still haven’t heard from him. On one hand I am worried that something happened to him, but something in me says this is not the case.
From a man’s point of view, how should I handle this situation? Should I blow up and curse his ass out, or stay silent and keep him locked out of the house? I just don’t know how to handle this situation. To be honest, I am fed up. I am working two jobs, trying to start my own business and still manage to come home, cook, clean and tend to his needs. It’s so disappointing that at 30 years of age, he does not possess the maturity or the dedication to participate in a positive, healthy relationship. In the end, I can’t blame him for being who he is. It is my choice what and who I accept into my life. I am here once again because I failed to pay attention to the signs.
Suddenly Single…….again (aka SRP)
I thought I was through getting e-mails from you (at least along these lines about this dude). Once again, I feel like you’re only writing to me for validation. You really do know what to do. Re-read the last sentence of your letter. “In the end, I can’t blame him for being who he is. It is my choice what and who I accept into my life. I am here once again because I failed to pay attention to the signs.”
Why can’t you leave this guy? We teach people how to treat us. What is the lesson that you teaching him when it comes to interacting with you? I know that it is rough out here for women. I get about a dozen letters a week from women complaining about their men. You also have a good idea of what he’ll say when he does decide to surface. He knows how to get in your good graces when he wants to. Let me say this one time and one time only. If you are serious about getting rid of this guy, then get rid of him. DO NOT TALK ABOUT GETTING RID OF HIM. GET RID OF HIM. That means, do not talk to him in person, by e-mail or phone. Put a call block on all of his numbers. DO NOT ACCEPT HIS CALLS! What is there to talk about? Haven’t you heard enough excuses from him? I know I have. Actions speak louder than words. Show him that you are serious by changing those locks and leaving his ass.
I am an educated African American male in his late 20’s. I am not married or currently in a relationship nor do i have any baby mamas. In the last 3 months, I have had explicit dreams involving me and another male. I’d say I’ve had about 4 of them. None of the with the same person and they have been very clear and vivid. I am straight and consider myself to be sexually conservative. I was not molested as a child nor have I experimented with the fag stuff. What do you think this means? Is this something that you think I need to explore or have I seen Broke Back Mountain one too many times?
Confused but OK,
I am not a psychologist or dream interpreter. Let’s see, you’ve had approximately four homosexual dreams over the past three months and you want to know what this means and if this is something you should “explore.” Let’s slow down and pump your brakes for a moment. You referenced the movie “Broke Back Mountain.” How many times have you seen the movie?
I have no idea why you’ve had these dreams and I have no idea why you’ve chosen to put such a focus in this area. You failed to share your reaction to these dreams. Did you like the dreams? How did the end? What happens in the dreams? You can choose to ignore the dreams or focus on the dreams. If you have no interest in this area, then forget it. However, if you have no interest in this area and can’t stop thinking about the dreams, then that’s another story.
Not sure I can help you with this one dude–not enough info.
One of our columnist recently wrote a column on this topic. You might find it interesting (www.blackmeninamerica.com/people2.htm#James). By the way, I’d would eliminate the “fag” references-not good. This is an offensive term.
It’s been a while since I’ve reached out to you for advice concerning love, but today I need your opinion.
While at my cousins birthday party over the weekend my boyfriend received a call. I notice how he didn’t want to answer the call and was about to send the call to voicemail when my cousin teasingly asked him who would be calling him at such a late hour (2:30 am). Unbeknown to my cousin, my boyfriend and I have been down this road before regarding “female callers”. He seen the look in my eye and with all eyes on him he had to answer the phone. I couldn’t make out what the person was saying but I could tell from the voice pitch that it was a woman. He told her he was over his girlfriend’s cousin house and he would have to get back with her. I asked who the caller was and he said she was a friend from work. He said she was with a group of people he was hanging at a sports bar with earlier that evening and she called to see if the group was still hanging out. I thought that was reasonable explanation until the phone rang again. He said it was the same person. He answered and proceeded to tell her the same thing. At this point I was passed pissed because I felt something was up. He thought me being mad was unjustified because there was nothing going on between him and the girl. My cousin stepped in and said “Okay she is just a friend and she was calling to check to see if you and the guys you work with were still hanging out. But when you told her you are with your girlfriend then that should have been the end of the call and she should not be calling you back”. “With her calling you back like that it does appear that something is up”. Needless to say, we went back and forth about this for hours and we ended up getting into a big argument.
He feels there is nothing wrong with him being friends with a woman or talking to a woman on the phone as long as he does not cross the line and sleep with her or take her out. True enough I do believe men and women can be friends, but I know the difference between a strictly platonic friend and the other kind of friend. I’ve made friends with males over the course of our relationship but he has met them and they do not call my phone at 2 or 3 in the morning.
I am so disappointed in him. I thought I had someone who I could finally trust. I thought I had resolved my trust issues with men. After the weekend, all those old wounds just opened up and it has me exhausted. How can I trust him again? He apologized to me but that doesn’t make the pain go away. I don’t want to worry that every time his phone ring and he doesn’t answer it’s some woman. I don’t want to feel anxiety every time he goes out with his friends. Snooky, I have resorted to checking his phone when he is sleep and I have never done that before to anyone. I just don’t know what to do. I was so happy with him until this point. He spends quality time with me, he funny, very attentive and a hard worker. We have our quarrels over things but we get passed them. I just don’t know how I am going to get pass this. Can you offer any advice to my situation?
This is a tough situation in that he spends quality time with you; he’s funny, yada, yada, yada. The big thing is you’ve caught him in a lie or two–big lies. It’s hard to buy his story. You don’t get phone calls from “friends” at 2:00 and 3:00 am. Those calls are usually from “f#@k buddies” or “friends with benefits.”
What’s more disturbing is your behavior. I feel like I kind of know you. Look at how low you’ve slipped. I say “slipped” because you can recover. You’re sneaking around checking his phone. What kind of life is that? Stressful, that’s what kind.
We teach people how to treat us. What are you teaching this guy? He may be a great guy, but he’s a great guy taking advantage of your trusting ways. It seems as if you wanted him to be so good that you have lowered your standards. It you’re your cousin “popping off” to get your attention.
It’s hard for me to say talk to him because he’s likely to deny and lie again. You know if he’s telling the truth. Just take a deep breath and listen to that inner voice of yours, NOT HIS. Judge that dude on his behavior and nothing else. His “Trust Bank Account” with you is currently OVERDRAWN!
Here is another one for you. Please, if possible let our black men know about this. Please inform them that they must take care of their feet. I have met men that rate 10-plus on a scale of 1-10. They appear to be the total physical package. I notice men’s feet, especially during the summer months. A lot of men don’t take care of their feet. I notice thick skin on the heels, fungus on the toenails and toenails that are dark and uncut. This is a turn off.
Men expect us to have well manicured toenails and feet, but they seem to forget that their feet is a part of their body as well. The last man that I dated had the feet of a alligator. His nails were long, dark and thick. He actually kept his socks on, with good reason, which is another turn off.
Also Snooky, please tell men to do a better job of washing their feet. You know a shower is good, but sometimes a long soak in the tub does not not hurt.
When you see a brother with messed up feet and toes, it kind of makes you wonder about his woman. I interact with businessmen, but many of those guys have messed up feet. I’ve never met a man with good feet.
Please let men know that taking care of your feet is important to women. For a man to be fine from the head to the ankles is not enough. All of the expensive clothing in the world can not make me overlook claws for feet.
Signed, Fed up with alligator feet brothers.
Dear Fed Up With Alligator Feet Brothers:
I don’t have to say a word. You just did. By the way, I agree with you. For the record, “the Snooky man” has great feet and toes. I’ve never had a pedicure or manicure. I guess I just got it like that. I do use a foot cream called Feet Treat. It is great. Thank you for putting men with crusty feet on blast and keeping it real.
For the past year I’ve been occasionally hanging out with this girl I met on the job. During the process of getting to know one another, she expressed how her level of trust for women has been broken by repeated toxic, backstabbing people she had developed friendships with. Me being a woman and also having a few negative experiences befriending someone, I could relate and understand her current state of mind. She expressed her desire of wanting to surround herself with more positive and proactive women with whom she could bond with. Seeing that this sistah was really in need of a group a women who could influence a change on her theory about black women and how we should relate to one another, I decided to introduce her to my small circle of friends. My friends are a beautifully eclectic mixing bowl of people from all walks of life. One thing that keeps all of us bonded together is that we continuously support and uplift each other. Now don’t get me wrong we have had our share of disagreements but we still stay positive towards each other.
Anyway, I decided to introduce her to my best cousin who is a very funny, outgoing person. Weekend parties and gatherings became common between the three of us. We exposed her to different cultures and activities she was never fortunate enough to experience with the friends she currently associated with. I knew from the beginning she was what some considered a little rough around the edges, ghetto, for lack of better words. I thought if she saw what the flip side of the coin was like it would aid her at becoming a better person. A few months after we started connecting I noticed she would constantly compare herself to other women and talk negative about her friends. About three months ago my cousin and I decided that including her in certain weekend activities was not in our best interest anymore due to her wanting to include the negative people she “claimed” to want distance from. I am open to hang out with people of all kinds but these ladies, uh, let me change that to “females” were…”How can I gently put this?” A HOT DAMN MESS!
These were grown women who were extra loud and immature. They’re idea of a good time is getting drunk and hitting the club to fight people. Needless to say, I was not trying to entertain this type of foolishness. She and I stayed in contact but our meetings became far and in between. One night over a few margaritas, my cousin expressed to me that she was concerned this person might not have good intentions and felt she was not all the way ready to leave her ghetto street ways behind. My cousin felt if I continued to associate with her, she would bring some “bullshit” (her words, not mine) my way. I trusted my cousin’s evaluation because at that time, I too was getting a not so cool vibe from her. To get to meat of this situation, I will jump to what happened over the weekend. I had not seen or heard from her in a while so when she pooped over my house Friday I was surprised. She invited me to go downtown with her the next night to hang out. At first, I thought “why not?” we were going to a nice party where there would be a nice class of people who I felt comfortable with.
We arrive downtown the next evening and too my horror here come the HAMS. I admit it was my fault for not asking upfront who would be attending with us. I just assumed it would be the two of us because she never mentioned anyone else. Snoooooooky!!! Please excuse my French but these heifers acted a fool. They were way past drunk, dressed like skeezers and to make matters worse, they were starting trouble with almost every female who crossed their path. I was horrified but as my cousin would say “That’s what your ass get.” The night was almost over so I thought if I mingled on my own I could pass the time and at the same time remove myself from the Niggrodian display that was going on.
When it was all over and my humiliation level was off the chart, I came face to face with who this person really is. I decided to have a woman to woman talk with her when we reached her house about her behavior and how I felt that she put me in danger. She did not have to respond to me because the look on her face said it all. My Momma once told me a drunken person speaks a sober mind and that night I believed every word my Momma said. This girl went on for 30 minutes about how she could tell I thought she was jealous and envious of me and my sister’s beauty and success. She came out of nowhere with a comment about how I have to be the center of attention whenever men were around. I could go on and on but in short, she basically said she couldn’t stand me and my circle of friends because we “acted like we are all dat.”
In a strange way my feelings were hurt. Not because there was truth to her claim but because after all the positive influence my friends and I tried to expose this sistah to she still managed to turned into yet another negative experience. My sister made sense of this situation by explaining to me that some people don’t want to be helped. She says when you deal with a person who has for years surrounded themselves with negative people, drama, jealousy, competition and anger it is difficult for that person to go into a positive situation and know how to act. With the advice of my real sistahs and my own judgment, I have decided to cut this person out of my life for good. My question to you: Should I tell her that this is the end of our friendship or should I just be done with it?
Signed, Friend or Foe
Dear Friend or Foe:
The way you told this story was Laugh Out Loud funny. To answer your question, I would NOT say a thing or waste any more time with this woman. Actions speak louder than words. Be done with it. Besides, if you try to explain anything to her, you’re only asking for more drama. She will twist your words and not appreciate your intent. If you choose to do otherwise, just remember the quote from your cousin: “That’s what your ass get.”
Earlier you used the terms “HAMS” to describe the women. Help a brother out. What are HAMS? Are we talking big bone, corn fed sistahs with attitudes who will whip your ass on a whim?