By 
By Omar Tyree
I DID IT! I just toured for two months all across the United States of America from May 30th to July 30th., traveling from the hills of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, on the East Coast, to the dry desert heat of Phoenix, Arizona, on the West Coast. I did the Northeast with New York and Philly, the Mideast with Baltimore, DC and Virginia, the Southeast with Greensboro, Charlotte, Atlanta and Miami, the Deep South with Mobile, New Orleans, Houston and Dallas, the Midwest with Memphis, St. Louis, Chicago, Detroit, Columbus and Cleveland, and wrapped it all up on the West Coast with Oakland, Los Angeles and Phoenix.
All accounted for, I visited 27 major American cities in 17 different states to discuss the updated release of my Flyy Girl book trilogy, where I analyzed “The Elevation and the Evolution of the American Black Woman,” the topic and title of my last published article here. And throughout the tour, mostly older women and I in the 35-60 age discussed the new woman’s desire for more life and career options as well as full gender equality.
DJs Social Club ~ St. Louis Missouri in Mid July
A common theme for women was having more than what their mothers or grandmothers had in terms of career, opposite a long-ago time when women worked less outside of the home, made significantly less than their male counterparts when they did, had less education to work with, and generally had less equality or authority in their households. That’s where the age and relationship experience of each woman becomes significant.
What I found was that women in their 40s and up were more willing to accept and comprehend a man’s desire to be “a man” and the obvious heavy in household. These older women were very appreciative of the many gains that women had made over the past 50 years, but women in their 30s and younger seemed to want MORE, where full gender equality is on the menu as the next goal. That’s where things get hazy for the next generation of women.
First of all, I wasn’t around many of the younger women in their 20s while on tour. Some of them were not even born when Flyy Girl was popular during the late 1990s and early 2000s. And without being a social-media influencer in this new era of posts, videos and podcasts, the younger women were less reachable. Nor did I engage many men on tour. So, as expected, I had to explain and defend Black men, because men are rarely in a woman’s space to discuss themselves. It’s very uncomfortable for them. So is a discussion about being “equal” to women.
If anything, Black American men are more prone to think about being “equal” to White men, Asian men, Middle Eastern men, or any man who seems to have an upper hand on him economically, historically, athletically, politically, educationally or in general societal power, and those discussions rarely include a conversation about women.
That’s an awkward reality to stomach, but men think of women more as mates and partners in life than they do an as object of competition. But we are always competing with other men, even with something as menial as height and weight. Men are keenly aware of other men standing taller or wider than they are, and they are always thinking of an angle. It’s the basic survival of manhood. We are very aware that we are capable of annihilating each other. But we don’t feel that way about women. If anything, we want to bring them closer to us, even women we’ve never seen before.
We don’t feel that immediately warm and trusting of another man. We’re on full alert with men, particularly if they seem as capable as we are of delivering some display of power. But we often let that same defensive guard down in response to a woman. Even with an authoritative woman, a man is more likely to tolerate her than fear her. He would only fear the men that she could bring after him.
But as I continued to have these frank national discussions about the honesty of our relationships, I became shockingly aware that women have no idea how much men don’t tell them. I mean, we are really on two sides of the room. There are simply things that women are innately better at than men, like not wanting to hurt a person’s feelings, which comes in handy for new mothers. Who wants a coldhearted mom who says anything? But with a man, the warmth of fire wood is more important than a hug, or at least until after the fire woods has been collected to warm up the whole house.
Essence New Orleans Convention Center Early July
That’s how men think. We think about the whole. Do we have enough to take care of everyone? And if not, then what are we gonna do about it? What’s the solution? The hug can come later. But that seems insensitive, right? Not for a man. After all, a kid won’t die because of a lack of a hug, but he could definitely freeze to death with no heat. Yet… without a mother’s love, the kid could grow up and not know how to connect with a woman of his own, or with anyone. So, both things are needed, just coming from two different people.
The fact is, by the time a boy turns 14, and his testosterone starts to kick in, he’s thinking more about exploring the anatomy of a girl than trying to compete against her. But he’s surely competing against the guys who may want the same girl.
In other words, for most men, a woman’s worth is not weighed by what she brings to the table monetarily or power wise, because he’s innately thinking about that role for himself. Why else would he be given superior size and strength that he’s learned how to use accordingly in his manhood?
For men, the answers are all obvious and simple. Men are men and woman are women. And that’s not going to change. So, men don’t spend a lot of time talking about it. Especially not around groups of women, like I was doing. I must have been insane. Some things just aren’t meant for women to hear, or to deal with. So, we allow ourselves to become tactful, decent, gentlemanly and kind with our words when the truth is too vicious to voice out loud.
And the truth is, men don’t feel comfortable paying women the same salary as a man based on what they know that man has to take care of at home. A man is still considered “the head of the household,” and when he’s not, one could lose respect for the man. Men don’t talk about all of that, because they don’t need to. They already know it. It’s unspoken masculine language. “That man needs to take care of his wife and kids.”
They don’t feel the same way about a woman. They’ll wonder where her man is and who needs to step in for him. Men don’t look at it as a badge of honor that a woman has to raise a family by herself. They either pity her, think about helping her out, or even think of taking advantage of her.
Over time, men can learn to respect the single mothers who remain consistent, but consistency without the full elements of a family can be very difficult. Therefore, men have a tendency to look out for each other in regards of economic fatherhood, especially men of a certain brotherhood, class or race. They know what it takes to be men in their position, and they know how it feels to fail. And so, they decide to respect each other’s manhood with wages that establish dominance.
Again, I’m explaining things here that a man is not going to explain. But when a woman is clearly recognized as making more than him, he is immediately looked upon as a manager more than a boss, which in many cases will make a man feel a need to over establish his manhood, or accept a less manly position of authority. In both cases, a man goes through a mental and spiritual negotiation that women don’t even know exists. And he has to convince himself that’s it’s okay, and that his woman won’t emasculate him. That’s takes a lot of trust.
Do men trust women that much? To put their very souls on the line for their companionship and warmth? Yes. We do. A woman can enter the home of a man and have his full attention in minutes. But no man can enter your home who’s not there to fix something. We would sound the alarm of concern. That’s just how differently men regard women. Women could be the most invincible spies and assassins in the world, and be right under a man’s nose.
Believe it or not, some men feel that money is the only leverage they have over women. In fact, many men feel that way. How loyal would women really be if men were not expected to take care of them? How deep is a woman’s love? Do they really love and remain with men for their personalities and characters?
This is not a lineal conversation. The answers are not laid out in a line. It’s a much more nuanced discussion than that. But if the average woman could collect the same wage, income and job opportunities as the average man, then what’s the point in recognizing them as different genders? In fact, what would be the point in naming different races if there was no intent to separate them?
These discussions on gender and equality could go on forever, and it won’t change a thing. As the natural hunters with more strength and speed who take more risks, by and large, men will continue to be the dominant bread winners in fields where masculine energy thrives. And women will continue to dominate the social fields of life where choices are based more on likes and dislikes. After all, women still have the power to choose who they want to be with. Is that choice equal? No. Nor is the choice of what woman a man may choose. Everyone has their own criteria and it is not based on equality.
The fact is, we are all trying to maintain our advantages while adding new ones at the other player’s expense. Which means that equality is not possible, and the tug-a-wars of gender, race, class, power and control over our human resource and each other will continue forever.
~ Omar Tyree is a New York Times bestselling author who has published more than 30 books and counting and won an NAACP Image Award for Outstanding Work of Fiction after graduating from Howard University, cum laude, with a degree in Print Journalism from the School of Communications in 1991.
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