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Humor: Loki Johnson Was Framed!

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By Investigative Reporter Scoop Newsworthy

  • Name:  Loki Johnson
  • Other Names:  “Loki” the Cat
  • Born:  August 2015 (Approximate age 7)
  • Citizenship:  United States
  • Origin:  (Unknown-Rescue Cat)
  • Occupation:  (Domestic House Cat and part-time advertising mascot for the “All In One Master Tonic,” health drink campaign.
  • Years Active:  2021 – present
  • Spouse:  N/A
  • Children:  No Known Children
  • Parent:  Christopher Johnson

Description:  “Loki” is a Maine Coon (a large domesticated cat breed).  The breed originated in the U.S. state of Maine, where it is the official state cat. The Maine Coon is the third most popular pedigreed cat breed in the world. Loki is a social cat who reluctantly stepped into the public spotlight when Gary Johnson invaded his household and weaseled his way into being Loki’s handler/manager much like Col. Tom Parker did with Elvis Presley.

Gary does a lot of public relations work and decided to use Loki to be a mascot and pitch-cat for products by giving a humorous voice to Loki, who has been a favorite on social media for the past year.  Loki gained unprecedented notoriety when a jailhouse transcript of a conversation between Loki and his attorney was published.  Loki scratched Gary during a scuffle when Gary forced Loki into a small kennel to go to the Cat Clinic.  Gary pressed charges and Loki was taken into custody and released several hours later on his own recognizance, as he had no prior convictions. 

Gary was confident that the release of the transcript would garner sympathy toward him.  That was a grave miscalculation.  In a matter of days public sentiment shifted heavily AGAINST Gary, who was seen as an overbearing “Cat Master” who no longer operated in Loki’s best interest.

Many believe Gary was behind a recent smear campaign painting Loki as a “cat crack” (catnip) addict.  Again, public sentiment is with Loki, as many on social media have said that Loki was framed.

You can read the jailhouse transcript and the developments and decide if Loki has been treated unfairly.

Attorney:  How did you end up behind bars?  Tell me what happened.

Loki:  You see what had happened was…I clawed Gary in the stomach.  He started it.  He called me over to him under false pretenses.  He made it seem like he wanted to play.  I was suspicious, but I reluctantly went to him.  That’s when he grabbed me.  I thought, “What in the Ronnie Mitchell is going on here?”  OK, so you wanna play rough today.  Cool.  Then he tightened his grip and started shoving me into the kennel.  Going into the kennel is NEVER good.  I don’t need to leave this house.  Nobody said anything to me about a trip or vacation.

Attorney:  What happened next?

Loki:  I opened a can of “Feline Whoop Ass” and started scrappin’ and clawin’.

Attorney:  I see.  How do you feel about what happened?

Loki:  I don’t know.  It all happened so fast.  Gary started it.  Like I said, he grabbed me.  I have a right to defend myself.  I should file charges against him for assault, catnapping and emotional distress.  I’m the one who was traumatized.  He scared the “Kibbles & Bits” out of me.  He got what he deserved.  I’d do it again.

Attorney:  Do you have any remorse?

Loki:  Nope.  OK.  Maybe a little bit.  Have you heard Gary scream?  To see him lying in the floor holding his stomach whining like a bitch was unsettling.  I thought he was tougher than that.  Deborah kept asking him:  “Are you OK?  Are you OK?”  Don’t get me wrong.  I sliced him up good, but it was mostly fueled by adrenaline.  At that moment, I feared for my life!

Attorney:  Would you have gotten into the kennel voluntarily?

 

Loki:  Hell no!  Have you seen the size of that kennel?  I’m a good-sized cat.  I wear a 3X.  Talk about tiny houses.  Under no circumstances was I voluntarily getting into that kennel.  No way.  Somebody had to pay.  We still would have been scrappin’.  He “jumped me.”  I had no choice.  What was I supposed to do?  I had to defend myself.

Attorney:  Anything else?

Loki:  Yes.  I was in that house BEFORE Gary.  When he moved in, he didn’t like me, and I didn’t like him.  Communication is the key.  The next time I have to go somewhere, he needs to let me know in advance.  Put it on my calendar.  Don’t call me like you want to play and then “jump me.”  I’m just keeping it 100%.  That all I’m saying. 

Wakanda Furever!

Statements of Support For Loki Johnson

As public sentiment shifted in favor of Loki, Gary dropped all charges against Loki.  That did not stop the statements of support for Loki.  Here’s a sample of some of the statements of support from around the country and across social media.  (These are actual comments posted on social media in support of Loki).

  • Gary, as I warned you before, it WILL be your last public post if Loki sends a distress signal to our Blackie “Badda Bing” White! Blackie is the only cat in the world who is in the Witness Protection Program. He used to hang out in front of Tony Soprano’s club “Badda Bing” wearing a made-to-order shoulder holster and chasin off rats, if ya know what I mean. Unda stand?
  • Loki was framed.
  • Loki is innocent.
  • Leave Loki alone.
  • Gary, I don’t care if that cat ate all your “special ice cream” and tore up all your furniture!! I don’t care if Loki thought the middle of your bed was his litter box!! If you lay one paw on him that cat will have your ass!!! Cats are smart. As they used to say in the Disney movie “Rescuers Down Under,” his . . . “mental faculties are twice what yours’ are!!”Please save Loki from his overbearing master.
  • Dear Lord. Help Loki survive the abuse he is enduring. Teach Gary that he is Loki’s humble servant and that cats RULE!!! AMEN!!!!
  • Loki was defending himself.  Why don’t you stuff yourself into a Yugo and drive across country.  See how you like that.
  • I’ve discussed this issue with my cats, Smokie and Bandit. They feel you should drop it.
  • This is an obvious cats’ rights violation, it looks like Loki is being held in a federal super max with paw cuffs on.  And he says prison food is awful. Our cat Blackie says ” . . . free Loki and no one gets hurt.”
  • Loki” sounds like the name of an Asian crime boss’ muscle man.  Gary should be careful….

Loki’s Mug Shot

There is no evidence that Loki is addicted to “Cat Crack” aka Cat Nip, despite the sleazy photos released to the tabloids.  A statement by Loki’s law firm Dewey, Screwem and Howe, branded the reports as “fake news.”  Unconfirmed camera footage recorded two “high yellow” Labradoodles in the area with cat nip in their backpacks.  One of the dogs was described as “husky” and was breathing heavily.  Police are theorizing these Labradoodles may be associated with the notorious Doodle Brothers also known as “The Royals” canine crime family.  Again, these reports are confirmed at the time of this posting.

Gary and Loki during happier times.

 

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