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The Real Secret to Online Dating


By Black Men In Staff

Nothing unites people faster than when they have a common interest.  For over 10 years, Black Men In America Dating has helped people connect with one another.  We know that part of compatibility is having a common interest and signing up for an online dating site that is tailored to your primary interest can make finding your next romantic partner easier and faster.  Our sites are listed below.  You can sign-up for FREE and you can set up a profile right now.  But before you sign-up, you should do your homework.  To help you get started we want you to read the article “The Real Secret to Online Dating” below.

The Real Secret to Online Dating is that there is NO Secret to Online Dating. Online Dating is simply a new approach to an old tradition.  There are no magic or secret potions that make a date work. While there may not be a little black bag full of tricks, there are some dating tips that could lead to a treat or two!

Whether you’re looking for the perfect person, a quick soirée in the online dating world, or a friend with benefits, you don’t have to apologize for actively looking for the absolutely best partner for you.  Wanting a partner is not a character flaw.  It is part of nature’s design for interested, single adults to search for suitable partners.

The success of a date depends a lot on your nature.

For example, you log on to your online dating account to check your messages, only to find out that you have received 10 smooches, flirts, kisses (every site is different).

Your Responses

  • Option A: Delete with NO REPLY or review of the sender’s profiles.
  • Option B:  Respond to each with “If you want to chat send me a message, I don’t like “flirts.” 
  • Option C: Review the profile; respond with a message or a courteous “flirt.”

For those of who chose Option A or B – Stop looking for love on the first date.  It doesn’t work that way.  Take it instead as an opportunity to find out more about the other person.  For those who chose Option C – You project yourself as a unique person – separate from the pack.

Online dating provides you with a buffet of  “Introduction” appetizers; it’s not the ceremonial dinner.  An exchange of personal information, at a gradually deepening level of intimacy, and the sharing of some sort of delight are critical elements of the process.

The First Date

Now, let’s talk dating. For those who make it pass the elimination stage and on to the dating phase, let’s keep it simple.  Try not to be a phony on your first date. Both men and women have a built-in radar to detect phony a mile away.  Date deception may work on the first date but if you are interested in prolonging the relationship it becomes harder to enact a charade.

This is not the time to admit to all your vulnerabilities and insecurities, or to share your family horror stories. Rather, talk about things that showcase your sweet and sparkling personality.  If you have a positive vibe, your date will respond in kind.

The emphasis on form over substance in dating is one of the reasons this important social interaction seem like a shallow, trivial game that only rich and famous people can play, instead of the useful and sometimes profound social opportunity it should be. Honest to goodness relating is key to mating.

Bonus Info:  Women, don’t wear anything low cut or short. It sounds like an old cliché but your first date knows very little about the woman you are. He will take you at face value and you don’t want to give the wrong impression.

Men, be specific about where you are going. This will make the date more comfortable, and will prevent her from wearing a cocktail dress when you are taking her bowling.

Caught Cheating?

We often receive questions about how to deal with someone “cheating” or dating several people at the same time.

Dating Is Not Monogamy.  Dating is something you do before making binding choices or exclusive commitments. Dating does not imply exclusivity but you are treading in muggy waters–flaunting extracurricular activities is definitely unacceptable.  Dating is largely about creating and managing choices. You and the other single adults are allowed to date all you want, and as many people as you want, until that mutually binding, exclusive commitment is made.

Please note that mutuality is required for a commitment. “In My Mind, I’ll Always Be His Lady” (Heather Headley). – It’s best to be in both parties’ mind, otherwise, stalking laws do apply.

Have Fun!

It’s just a date.  All you’re really doing is hanging out for a few hours with a new acquaintance. Lighten up and enjoy the time.

Be a good listener. The purpose of this strategy is twofold. No one likes a conversation hog. Everyone wants the opportunity to shine by telling his/her stories. Plus, allowing the other person to talk gives you the chance to discern what makes him/her tick. If she/he talks about how all of his ex-partners are bitter, selfish, unbearable, imagine the other side of the story.

If she/he admits to not being the “marrying kind,” that’s valuable information to have early on as well. (No, you won’t change him/her!). If she/he complains about how the ex- won’t buy her/him things, it speaks volumes too!

Dating is for social exploration, opening up to new alternatives, not shutting them down as fast as possible in order to avoid our peculiar postmodern affliction.  Aim to form relationships on solid fundamentals where both partners invest the equivalent amount of love and attachment to improve it over the time from initial yearn into real love.

Here are some of our top online dating sites based on data from our site visitors:

Black Men In
Since our launch in 2001, Black Men In has evolved from a news site focusing on black men to a well-rounded social, current events and political website featuring content that people want to share and talk about.  We have thought-provoking content that aims to educate, entertain and inspire our site visitors to become good citizens and role models in their community.  Please do not use this site to post or transmit any unlawful, threatening, abusive, libelous, defamatory, obscene, vulgar, pornographic, profane or indecent information of any kind, including without limitation any transmissions constituting or encouraging conduct that would constitute a criminal offense, give rise to civil liability or otherwise violate any local, state, national or international law. You alone are responsible for the material you post.

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