Exploring Open Relationships: Navigating Love Beyond Monogamy in the Black Community

By Simon Benn

Having more than one romantic or sexual partner is a non-monogamous arrangement that has significantly become a huge part of present-day dating culture globally. There are a number of ways to approach being in a romantic relationship and there are various types of open relationships to choose from. As a black man, exploring non-monogamy will present you with a host of unique challenges and you may unfortunately find yourself having to navigate many stereotypes about your relationship preference/choice.

This is a guide on exploring non-monogamy openly and safely as a black man in the black community.

When it comes to relationships within the black community, they are largely centered around a commitment to a single partner, stability, trust, sharing of resources, and the building and nurturing of community. Although the likelihood of marriage has significantly decreased and many couples settle into a life of cohabitation, relationships within the black community are largely based on monogamy. However, there is a portion of the black community that is leaning towards alternative relationship methods. This is exemplified by the rise in openly non-monogamous, or open relationships. But open relationships are still a somewhat touchy subject within the black community because it is new and very unconventional.

So, it raises some questions, and one of the questions it raises is what does it mean to black non-monogamous men in a community that places great value on heteronormative relationships, marriage, and reproduction? As a black non-monogamous man in such a community, it is quite understandable to find yourself feeling out of place and lacking community.

Black Men and Non-monogamy, what does it mean?

Being in a non-monogamous/open relationship as a Black man consists of existing in a small but growing community of people who share alternative ideas regarding romantic relationships as compared to the general population. The main components to ensure a successful open relationship consist of negotiating boundaries, being clear with your partners about what is acceptable about other relationships, ensuring that everyone is comfortable with the situation, and being open to the fact that a person/people may change their minds.

Let’s face it, black cultural norms and community expectations can influence how the relationship or multiple relationships are perceived and discussed, and chances are it may even negatively affect the growth of said relationships. This is why effective communication is of the utmost importance and creating an environment where you and your partner or partner can address personal and cultural issues that may have an impact on the relationship openly.

Black men who practice non-monogamy are unfortunately in the firing line when it comes to stigma and misconceptions about their relationship style. Thus, as a Black man, you not only have to navigate the dynamics of being in an open relationship, but also navigate being in an open relationship that is highly stigmatized.

Furthermore, the values and beliefs you have will greatly impact the relationship dynamics and will force you to question and challenge Black cultural and religious views. This is where the support of friends and family is of the utmost importance because managing more than one relationship can be very demanding. Each relationship will demand attention, require emotional health and emotional intelligence, and all parties have mutual respect and each other’s relationships. Navigating these relationships will require establishing patience, understanding, setting boundaries, and consistent and open communication. Being in an open relationship is an exercise that will constantly push you outside of your comfort zone and impart vital emotional intelligence, boundary-setting, and communication skills. As a Black man, in a non-monogamous relationship, it is important to balance personal desires with the broader cultural context unique to the black experience to ensure successful relationships.

Open-Relationships Practiced by Black Men

The types of open relationships practiced by Black men generally align with the broader community of people who practice open relationships. However, cultural and personal factors, values, and beliefs may impact how these relationships progress and how they are viewed, especially within the black community.

Swinging –This is a relationship arrangement where Black men and their partners may engage in sexual activity with couples of individuals. This usually takes place within a social setting like a Swingers party, or Swingers meet-up.
Polyamory – This is where Black men can have multiple emotional and romantic relationships at the same time and where all parties consent to this agreement. In Polyamory a relationship can strictly be an emotional relationship with no sexual activity involved.
Hierarchical Polyamory- This is where there is a relationship with one specific person that holds more importance than others. In this type, Black men might have a primary partner and place less emphasis on other relationships.
Non-Hierarchical Polyamory – This is where all relationships are considered equal. Black men may value all relationships equally with none being viewed as more important than another.
Open-Dating – This is dating multiple people without these relationships being exclusive. This is a great way to allow black men the freedom to explore connections, and some of these relationships may not reach the sexual intimacy stage.
Relationship-Anarchy – This is a highly individualized and fluid approach to relationships. In this dynamic, black men will define the relationship based on their terms and what they are looking for in a relationship or relationships.
Swinger Dating – This is an approach that is similar to swinging but also includes dating within a social setting.
Open Marriage – This is perhaps the most well-known type of non-monogamy. Made famous by famous couples such as Will and Jada-Pinket Smith. This is where black men have relationships while being married to one partner. This type allows for sexual, emotional, or romantic relationships, depending also on what the couples agree on.

Common Stereotypes About Open Relationships and Black Men

In the black community, Black men in open relationships are viewed as predators who are only interested in destroying people. They are seen as players, serial cheaters, or womanizers who have issues with commitment. There are a number of stereotypes that exist that peddle misconceptions about black men who prefer open relationships.

Some of these stereotypes include:

Black men are promiscuous; This is a stereotype that has been heavily perpetuated by the media. That Black men are highly hypersexual beings and highly promiscuous and that open relationships appeal to them purely for sexual reasons. This has the effect of peddling harmful and misguided assumptions about black men’s sexuality, and it makes black men seem like they do not have any restraint. This contributes to stigmatization and further misunderstanding of the true nature and purpose of open relationships.
They have commitment issues; There is a prevailing stereotype that black men have an inherent fear of commitment and if they could they would never commit and sleep with as many women as possible. This stereotype implies that the only reason that black men prefer open relationships is because they do not want to be tied down to one partner.
Black men in open relationships are nothing more than a cultural aberration; Many people within the black community simply dismiss black men in open relationships as their attempts to deviate from the more acceptable heterosexual ideals of love, marriage, and children. They simply view black men in open relationships as lacking respect for societal norms and choosing to do their own thing out of spite. This can lead to further stigmatization and marginalization and black men in open relationships will struggle to be accepted within their communities.
Black men in open relationships are not marriage material; This is a stereotype that views black men as parasites who are not ready for marriage because they are financially unstable and are in multiple relationships because they want to overcompensate for their inability to be providers and they are looking for multiple women to take care of them. So, they turn to non-monogamy and adopt hyper-masculinity.

These stereotypes serve to reinforce negative stereotypes about black men and may push black men to be part of a community and to feel less marginalized to conform to heteronormative standards. This can further negatively impact how black men navigate relationships and may cause them to become closed off, or even worse, give in to the stereotypes and start behaving in a manner that affirms these misconceptions.

Challenges Faced by Black Men in Open Relationships

Practicing and exploring non-monogamy places black men in uncomfortable situations where they face unique challenges that include them facing stigma and judgment from people inside and outside their immediate community where non-conventional relationships are seen in a bad light. Stereotypes also add fuel to the fire by reinforcing misconceptions and putting black men in the uncomfortable position of having to explain and defend their right to choose who they want to be with on their terms.

Black men in open relationships have to contend with existing in a community that places great value on monogamy and single-partner commitment. In addition, the black community’s religiosity places great emphasis on marriage, stability, and creating the perfect heteronormative black family. Black men who go against the grain can find themselves lacking community and without people to talk to and share what their lived experiences are all about which can be lonely.

Furthermore, black men within the non-monogamy struggle to find a community that will understand their social and cultural context because the non-monogamous space is very white-dominated and it is hard for black men to nurture genuine connections because they are sometimes fetishized and exoticized, and some people within the community approach only for the “black experience” they see on adult platforms. Black men struggle to express their non-monogamy openly because open relationships in the black community are shrouded in shame, stereotyping, and stigma.

Exploring Open Relationships Safely for Black Men within the Black Community

Exploring safely and healthily within the black community involves a combination of personal reflection, open and honest communication, and seeking out supportive and safe environments.

Here are some strategies to consider:

Educating yourself and others; It is important to know as much as you can about the community you are choosing to exist in. Because whether you like it or not, in many of your social settings chances are you will be the only person practicing non-monogamy and you will be the source of education and the bridge where people cross and let go of their stereotypes and misconceptions. Understanding different dynamics can help you educate others and provide valuable tools for you to be able to educate others within the black community.

For instance, if you are in a relationship at the moment and you are looking to add another partner and your partner is hesitant. There is a new trend that is on the rise. It is highly popular in the UK, hiring companionship-only male escorts for a variety of reasons. Male escorts are great for attending events with, going out for a night, or simply having someone to talk to. There are also companionship-only agencies in the US that may offer unique non-sexual services to people in the open-relationship community. You and your partner could try out an escort agency to get into the swing of things, and you could gently show her the benefits of being in an open relationship in a non-sexual way.

Maintaining open communication; It is highly important to engage in transparent communication at all times with partners. Be crystal clear about desires, your boundaries, what you are looking for, and what your expectations are. Always make your boundaries known, do not assume that the other parties should know because they know you. Always communicate your boundaries. Maintaining open communication is a great way to ensure that your relationships are based on mutual understanding and a solid foundation.
Prioritize emotional and sexual health and well-being; It is vital to regularly engage in self-care rituals to manage stress and to maintain sexual, mental, and emotional health. Open relationships are highly complex and they can be draining at times, so it is important to ensure that you get regularly tested for STIs, always use protection, seek mental health support, and if there is no protection being used, make use of STD prevention tools like PREP and PEP. Finally, seek the help of a therapist who is well-versed in the non-monogamy scene to provide support and help you navigate any challenges that may arise.

Seek supportive communities; Do not be afraid to find allies and support groups around you. The online community is a great place to start. There are a bunch of platforms on places such as Facebook, Quora, and Reddit to name a few that are concerned with the black experience of non-monogamy and that offer support and advice.

As a black man, being in an open relationship can be a wonderful and exhilarating experience. It is a chance for you to practice unflinching and unapologetic sexual autonomy and to exist beyond the confines of what people view as normal and acceptable. There are so many benefits found in non-monogamy. It is perfectly okay to explore relationship dynamics beyond what you have grown up seeing. Being open means that you are willing to look at love beyond heteronormative experiences, and if you explore safely and are respectful, communicate, and are willing to listen, you will experience non-monogamous bliss for years to come.